just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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