Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
