She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
