it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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