Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
