I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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