Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
