Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
