So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize