Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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