God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
