According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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