My first STD was from a foam party
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I intend to get homeless drunk
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
