oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
