so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
