So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
