Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
