just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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