It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
