If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
