when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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