Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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