Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
