You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
