haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I could fuck to npr.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
