Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my being single is dangerous.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
