just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
