I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
