Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
