I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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