herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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