You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
