walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
