i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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