Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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