I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
