If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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