I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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