my mouth tastes like poor choices
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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