I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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