oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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