I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
