grandma shit on top of the toilet
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
