I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Randomize
