just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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