Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
