so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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