I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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