So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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