Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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