I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
