I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
