I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
In other news, I just burned my penis
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
