once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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