Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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