Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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