Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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