I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
