woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
