At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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