I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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