that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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