Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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