The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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