we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
